I hope everyone is having a good Christmas time. Today, my family is continuing with the cooking, the eating, the watching of movies and the general gluttony that we have come to associate with the season of perpetual hope. Good times.
I am so thrilled and excited and just freaking' stoked because.....MY PARENTS ARE SENDING MY SISTER AND ME TO ITALY! Yay. Merry Christmas! I predict that this will be discussed in detail on a semi-weekly basis and that this blog will change from one centered around bitching and moaning to one centered around TRAVEL! I hope each and every one of you had a Buon Natale!
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Christmas Conversations
So, my sister is in town for the holidays. Today, my mother is sending us shopping for various Christmas items. Some of these items include: and iPod, a Chia Pet in the shape of a dog, twenty five stockings, a tuxedo, and a partridge in a pear tree. SO, this morning, I talked to Caro on the Internet. I found it hilarious. If you do not, I am sorry.
Laurens: i need to ask you some things
Caro: what
Lauren: what are you going to wear?
Caro: unnn i don't know yet.. something that i can wear to work too..so semi dressy... we have to look for something to wear Thurs (*we're going to a party-thingy)
Lauren: heah that is good
Lauren: we cannot spell today.
Lauren: unnnn???
Lauren: tell mom to cut on the today show (they were illustrating what can go VERY WRONG with a tree when it is not properly maintained)
Lauren: NOW
Caro: wow
Lauren: they've set a tree a blaze and it is catching the house on fire
Lauren: did you see it?
Caro: yes
Lauren: scary
Lauren: i need to water my tree
Caro: i saw it.. and you have to make sure no candles are left on it and water needs to be on it
Caro: so dump a bucket of water on the top of the tree...maybe two, just to be safe
Lauren: I don't think that's what they mean. I think they mean put water in the base.
Lauren: because you really shouldn't dump water on the lights??? right?
Caro: stick a chia pet (edited)
Lauren: light yourself on fire
Caro: yep
Lauren: and then dump water on yourself and your fiery chia (edited)
Caro: yep
Caro: OK I really am going because i have to get gas
Laurens: OK meet you at the house !
Laurens: i need to ask you some things
Caro: what
Lauren: what are you going to wear?
Caro: unnn i don't know yet.. something that i can wear to work too..so semi dressy... we have to look for something to wear Thurs (*we're going to a party-thingy)
Lauren: heah that is good
Lauren: we cannot spell today.
Lauren: unnnn???
Lauren: tell mom to cut on the today show (they were illustrating what can go VERY WRONG with a tree when it is not properly maintained)
Lauren: NOW
Caro: wow
Lauren: they've set a tree a blaze and it is catching the house on fire
Lauren: did you see it?
Caro: yes
Lauren: scary
Lauren: i need to water my tree
Caro: i saw it.. and you have to make sure no candles are left on it and water needs to be on it
Caro: so dump a bucket of water on the top of the tree...maybe two, just to be safe
Lauren: I don't think that's what they mean. I think they mean put water in the base.
Lauren: because you really shouldn't dump water on the lights??? right?
Caro: stick a chia pet (edited)
Lauren: light yourself on fire
Caro: yep
Lauren: and then dump water on yourself and your fiery chia (edited)
Caro: yep
Caro: OK I really am going because i have to get gas
Laurens: OK meet you at the house !
Monday, December 18, 2006
Holiday Update
Ah, Christmas.
The needles on my tree have fallen to the ground and I am left with a large branch loaded down with every ornament ever made in the history of the world, period. I have exactly one gift under said tree. Considering that today is December 18th, the number of gifts under my tree should be around "eleventy billion". I haven't gotten anyone anything. This means that I will be at the mall tomorrow morning at nine a.m. and will probably leave sometime around "never".
I guess I should probably tell you about the dinner party that wasn't. I am just still so upset that it's hard for me to discuss it without dissolving into tears and screaming "I just want to know WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!" I'll give you the short hand version. My oven caught on fire. By the time we got to the fire extinguisher the turkey had been engulfed. This lead to an emergency trip to the grocery store where steaks were purchased, taken home, seriously undercooked and thrown in the garbage. Oh, and out of the eleven people that had sworn to me on THEIR PETS LIVES that they would be there. at five. thank you. amen..... exactly four showed. I was fucking pissed. It was terrible, I got drunk and spend roughly four hours crying in the bathroom.
Moving right along, it is hot here,....not very Christmasy feeling.
The good news is that there is plenty of wine in the fridge.
The needles on my tree have fallen to the ground and I am left with a large branch loaded down with every ornament ever made in the history of the world, period. I have exactly one gift under said tree. Considering that today is December 18th, the number of gifts under my tree should be around "eleventy billion". I haven't gotten anyone anything. This means that I will be at the mall tomorrow morning at nine a.m. and will probably leave sometime around "never".
I guess I should probably tell you about the dinner party that wasn't. I am just still so upset that it's hard for me to discuss it without dissolving into tears and screaming "I just want to know WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!" I'll give you the short hand version. My oven caught on fire. By the time we got to the fire extinguisher the turkey had been engulfed. This lead to an emergency trip to the grocery store where steaks were purchased, taken home, seriously undercooked and thrown in the garbage. Oh, and out of the eleven people that had sworn to me on THEIR PETS LIVES that they would be there. at five. thank you. amen..... exactly four showed. I was fucking pissed. It was terrible, I got drunk and spend roughly four hours crying in the bathroom.
Moving right along, it is hot here,....not very Christmasy feeling.
The good news is that there is plenty of wine in the fridge.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Merry Christmas, Damnit
Merry Christmas, lovelies! I love this time of year. It is my favorite. It reminds me of being a wee tiny person whose only worries included "cookies, chocolate" and "doll, Barbie" which are very nice thoughts as opposed to "bills, electric" and "problems, car"....none of that is the point of this post though. The point of this post is to talk about snow, or the lack thereof.
The last time I was able to frolic in real snow was five years ago. My church was going on a ski trip. My two best friends and I decided that we would ONLY go if we could stay in the same room. Let me explain, we were brats. Period. We approached our youth minister with this theory. Being the youth minister, he wasn't able to tell us the truth (that we were behaving like a bunch of little bitches on par with Shannon Dougherty) and instead smiled and told us that he'd do the best he could, this was code for "ok you little twits, wanna play like that?". Macey, Marcy and I rode the bus UP the mountains and to North Carolina to a creepy, dank, old hotel that was massive, Victorian and haunted to Hell and back. The entire church was staying on one side of the hotel and we were placed on the haunted, creepy, dark, deserted ELEVENTY SEVEN BATRILLION DEGREES other side. Also, an extra added bonus: the Exorcist. THE EXORCIST. The mother freakin' Exorcist was the only thing on T.V.... I bout died.
So, we stayed up staring at the screen in abject horror while the poor little girl vomited split pea soup all over the world and we were so hot that I hallucinated and became convinced that I had been swallowed into the caverns of Hell. Finally around four in the morning, Marcy and Macey decided it would be a good idea to OPEN THE WINDOW and allow the three degree wind to blow through the room. It was so blazing hot in that room that the window being open didn't start to help for an hour or so and we finally crashed around six. Unfortunately, six was the time that we were supposed to meet our church at the bus to trolly us to the slopes. It took forty five minutes of our youth director banging on the door to wake us up and another hour for us to blitz around layering ski clothes on top of ski clothes to stay warm. When we finally got to the bus people were making rude comments like "spoiled ***ches" and they weren't even trying to conceal them in whispers. How did I get on this subject? Do you know? I don't. ANYWAY! My point is: I like snow. I miss snow. I want to marry snow and live together in an ice castle. It's finals week people, I'm sorry.
In other news: my finger hurts. Also, I'm having a lovely festive Christmas dinner on Thursday and I will be preparing it BY MYSELF like a big person. This could go a few ways...
1. Fantastically, i.e. everyone eats drinks and is merry and we avoid things that are not good like food poisioning, beating Maceys boyfriend (who no one likes) in the face with a shovel, etc..(shut your mouth,.....it could happen)
2. Dreadfully, i.e. everyone drinks and is merry but the food sucks.
3. Catastrophically, i.e. everyone eats the food, contracts life threatening food borne illness and spends the holidays in an oxygen tent.
Say a little prayer for me....
The last time I was able to frolic in real snow was five years ago. My church was going on a ski trip. My two best friends and I decided that we would ONLY go if we could stay in the same room. Let me explain, we were brats. Period. We approached our youth minister with this theory. Being the youth minister, he wasn't able to tell us the truth (that we were behaving like a bunch of little bitches on par with Shannon Dougherty) and instead smiled and told us that he'd do the best he could, this was code for "ok you little twits, wanna play like that?". Macey, Marcy and I rode the bus UP the mountains and to North Carolina to a creepy, dank, old hotel that was massive, Victorian and haunted to Hell and back. The entire church was staying on one side of the hotel and we were placed on the haunted, creepy, dark, deserted ELEVENTY SEVEN BATRILLION DEGREES other side. Also, an extra added bonus: the Exorcist. THE EXORCIST. The mother freakin' Exorcist was the only thing on T.V.... I bout died.
So, we stayed up staring at the screen in abject horror while the poor little girl vomited split pea soup all over the world and we were so hot that I hallucinated and became convinced that I had been swallowed into the caverns of Hell. Finally around four in the morning, Marcy and Macey decided it would be a good idea to OPEN THE WINDOW and allow the three degree wind to blow through the room. It was so blazing hot in that room that the window being open didn't start to help for an hour or so and we finally crashed around six. Unfortunately, six was the time that we were supposed to meet our church at the bus to trolly us to the slopes. It took forty five minutes of our youth director banging on the door to wake us up and another hour for us to blitz around layering ski clothes on top of ski clothes to stay warm. When we finally got to the bus people were making rude comments like "spoiled ***ches" and they weren't even trying to conceal them in whispers. How did I get on this subject? Do you know? I don't. ANYWAY! My point is: I like snow. I miss snow. I want to marry snow and live together in an ice castle. It's finals week people, I'm sorry.
In other news: my finger hurts. Also, I'm having a lovely festive Christmas dinner on Thursday and I will be preparing it BY MYSELF like a big person. This could go a few ways...
1. Fantastically, i.e. everyone eats drinks and is merry and we avoid things that are not good like food poisioning, beating Maceys boyfriend (who no one likes) in the face with a shovel, etc..(shut your mouth,.....it could happen)
2. Dreadfully, i.e. everyone drinks and is merry but the food sucks.
3. Catastrophically, i.e. everyone eats the food, contracts life threatening food borne illness and spends the holidays in an oxygen tent.
Say a little prayer for me....
Saturday, December 09, 2006
In which I hurt myself....
How does one drive without the most important finger?
I am freezing my ass of. Literally. My ass is frozen and no longer attached to my body. It is one thirty six in the morning. I typically go to bed around nineish. I am jacked through the roof. Also, I have been informed that I am "an accident waiting to happen".
Lemmie give you some back story. My lovely and very special and beautiful married friends and I ate Chinese food, drank wine and then felt compelled to smoke some cigarettes. Unfortunately, it is approximately FOUR FUCKING DEGREES. So, being the creative and stubborn people that we are, we built a fire pit that we felt compelled to sit around and stare into with childlike wonder for FIVE HOURS. During the past five hours several grand things occurred. I will share them with you..................now.
Things that happened:
1. I melted my shoe down to my toe on the fire pit.
2. I shattered a wine glass with my hulk like grip and had to be hog tied and body slammed to the floor so that the slit running down my finger could be bandaged before I bled all over the world or passed out.
3. I saw the blood that had dripped on the floor and collapsed in a nauseated pile on the kitchen floor and made a command decision to purchase stemless wine glasses, so sayeth I, amen.
4.I had to be revived with a glass of bourbon.
5. I froze my ass off
6. I switched to coffee and Kahlua to warm my ass up
7. I got jacked on coffee
8.I pulled my band aid off, looked at my poor hurt little finger and collapsed again.
9. They left me in the floor because they had "already dealt with THAT once"
10. I drank more.
11.I came home.
12. My finger hurts
I am freezing my ass of. Literally. My ass is frozen and no longer attached to my body. It is one thirty six in the morning. I typically go to bed around nineish. I am jacked through the roof. Also, I have been informed that I am "an accident waiting to happen".
Lemmie give you some back story. My lovely and very special and beautiful married friends and I ate Chinese food, drank wine and then felt compelled to smoke some cigarettes. Unfortunately, it is approximately FOUR FUCKING DEGREES. So, being the creative and stubborn people that we are, we built a fire pit that we felt compelled to sit around and stare into with childlike wonder for FIVE HOURS. During the past five hours several grand things occurred. I will share them with you..................now.
Things that happened:
1. I melted my shoe down to my toe on the fire pit.
2. I shattered a wine glass with my hulk like grip and had to be hog tied and body slammed to the floor so that the slit running down my finger could be bandaged before I bled all over the world or passed out.
3. I saw the blood that had dripped on the floor and collapsed in a nauseated pile on the kitchen floor and made a command decision to purchase stemless wine glasses, so sayeth I, amen.
4.I had to be revived with a glass of bourbon.
5. I froze my ass off
6. I switched to coffee and Kahlua to warm my ass up
7. I got jacked on coffee
8.I pulled my band aid off, looked at my poor hurt little finger and collapsed again.
9. They left me in the floor because they had "already dealt with THAT once"
10. I drank more.
11.I came home.
12. My finger hurts
Friday, December 01, 2006
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